Film photographs ( old minolta)
I've always liked to write. I've always liked to keep a diary. To be honest i've never been good to be consistent and write often, but i do like it and i do keep a diary. It's more like a notebook full of writings. I't started as a diary years ago, pages filled with my everyday activities but now it has become into pages full of thoughts, feelings and philosophies.
They are pages full of my mind.
I would like to share one of the last things i wrote, i'll try and translate it from spanish to english the best i can. I think that notebook is the only place i write in spanish.
Friday, August 17 2012.
Quiet friday in which i woke up late and time has passed with rain and good weather as company. I think my fridays are going to be a little bit more like this for at least 5 months, quiet fridays. I would like if the rain could stay as well.
Crisis and anxiety gets worse and intense as i start something new, i don't know if these life crisis one day will be over or if its going to be something that is going to happen year after year, thought after thought. I just know that in my case every time it gets worse and i'm afraid i wont be able to get out of this hole that anxiety builds on me.
Another thing that i know is that i don't want to wake up one day and not remember how good times were and just have knowledge of my current times, knowledge of nostalgia and mutilation for the soul.
I start thinking and i say that if fear hasn't killed me yet then nothing will, but then i realize there is more to that than fear. Fear is not the only thing that exists on me. There is anxiety and confusion and i think that i will be able to get out of my hole but some other times i think that while i'm running away from those things one day they will finally catch me.
That is what i don't know.
I know what i want to do when these three years are over, but then these years will eventually end and i will find myself just like i find myself now. Without knowing what to do or without knowing if these thoughts and feelings will eventually kill me without me even knowing.
The day that i'll be able to write and say that i'm glad to show my face to the morning that is the day i'll know everything was worth it and that everything will be alright.
I'm and addict.
And addict to the worst addiction. Addict to the worst destruction: Self destruction and to the destruction of one of the only things that can save us: our soul.
Addiction to thoughts, to thinking.
Never ending thinking.
To turn life into a thought that just goes round and round, a thought that destroys everything but nobody sees, nobody knows where it is, just you, just me.
I need to give my mind and my body a way to express all of these things, all of these thoughts and feelings. If i don't, they will all come out in a big explosion, coming out of my eyes and pores.
i think this blog post is one of the most personal. i'm sharing what i wrote on a notebook nobody ever sees or reads but me.
But thats what i feel and think, and i just felt i needed to get it out.
early mornings and a good book.
On other news, i can't wait to show you some fashion photography work i have right now.
"I want to stay as close to the edge as i can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center"