Estoy maldita

Estoy maldita.

Estoy bajo algún hechizo que me hace querer lo mejor de todo y todos.

Bajo la maldición de secretamente idealizar y soñar que las cosas si van a pasar. 

Que el mundo dejara de dar noticias que no quieres ver cuando tomas el cafe en la mañana.

Que algún día se dejara de pelear por la paz.

Que algún día saldré de este pueblo muerto para iniciar en otro lado.

Que algún día llegara la plenitud de la que muchos hablan pero yo no veo.

Que algún día mi corazón explotara por otras razones.
Que algún día me veras con los mismos ojos con los que yo te vi.
Que algún día mi cama será solo para dormir y no para escapar de una rutina inexistente.
Estoy maldita.

Se que lo estoy porque tengo la certeza de que algún día pasara todo esto pero en el fondo también se que no.

¿como es posible eso?

Es como sentir que vives pero en realidad no lo estas haciendo.
Es como querer irse queriendo quedarse.

Es como decir si, para después decir NO.
Es como dar un paso y retroceder cuatrocientos.
Es como nosotros, algo que nunca fue pero siempre será.
Es agregar una cosa mas a mi caja de paradojas.

Estoy maldita.

-M

Self Portraits

Abril 2015

box of paradoxes.

There is no better way to describe myself but to say that I am a big box of paradoxes.

That is all I am.

I am here and then I am not.

I am the strongest girl you'll ever know but I can break in a second.

people like me and then they leave.

You'll leave but I still stay.

I am a big box of paradoxes because I keep telling myself I am an open window but every time I look the windows are closed and locked.

I want things and then I cant make them happen.

I try to run and my feet trip by themselves.

I am free in a cage I call my hometown.

but I am free.

I want to experience it all.

and then I don't want to experience a thing.

I don't really know if there is more.

if it is, I want to feel it.

I want to feel you.

I am scared but I don't want to be.

I was born with a lot of walls build around me and everyday I take one down.

But they outnumber my days.

Its been 23 years that I've been with myself.

Just me.

and I don't complain about that too often.

I like it.

but I wish I didn't.

My solitude is my biggest paradox.

i've grown into my own skin for the past years.

and yes, sometimes I wish I grew into someone else's skin.

but for now is just me.

just this skin

just this big box of paradoxes.

nothing and everything at the same time.

a girl that dreams that she has everything.

and a girl that lives like she has nothing.

I can give you the sweetest days of your life.

and the roughest days too.

I can give you the biggest smile you've ever seen

and I can also drown you in oceans of tears.

I am an ocean.

I am a tide.

I am a constant change between yes and no.


-M

Self Portraits

April-June 2015

MY GATE OF FEAR .

I crossed through the gate of fear

and I was welcomed by the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.

The kind of eyes that tell you they could love you.

and the kind of eyes that tell you they may deceive you.

I sat in front of them and all i wanted to do was to count your eyelashes.

All I wanted was to see through them.

and I think I did.

I crossed through the gate of fear.

The one I built for myself.

and I didn't stumble.

 I saw you.

and my heart wondered if love lies on your bare skin.

or in your eyes.

or in every single one of your eyelashes.

The same ones that I want to count.

but it also wondered if it would see itself broken on your bare hands.

the same hands that I want to touch.

and the same skin that I want to melt into mine.

I crossed through my gate of fear.

and I realize it didn't give me a yes or a no answer.

or a "love" or "heartbreak" answer.

but it gave me you.

and it is with you that I'll find the answer.

-M

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This is the last day of the year and I'm supposed to do a post about what happened in 2014 but I haven't figured it out yet so I guess that will wait until the first days of January. I hope. So instead I'm sharing a recent self portrait and some words I wrote a few months back. And to be honest, one of my favorites.

If you are wondering about what I wrote...Yes, I think I found my answer. 

Whatever that means.

Tiny Ocean

The other day I went to the sea and walked along the shore

with the attempt to forget about a few things

but all the ocean did was to remind me of you.

That day the ocean gave me colors

and it gave me air

and beauty.

I walked and I couldn't help but think that those colors didn't match your eyes.

but it was beautiful

I couldn't help thinking that there was only one set of footprints.

but the tide washed them off

and I couldn't help but think that in all the pictures I took, there was no trace of you.

but there was a trace of me

then it hit me:

I was there ready to take a hit

ready to take the tide and take a leap into the ocean

I was gonna meet you there.

at the middle.

But you got lost.

Somehow my tiny ocean swallowed you.

-M

this place was so beautiful. I just wanted to stay there forever. 

and finally, i thought it was time to upload a picture of me smiling.

Monica.

Self Portraits

Everything hits harder at night

(random photographs I had laying around on my laptop, nothing really special)

Everything hits harder at night

it hits like a big wave

like the strongest tide

it hits like and earthquake

and like a tornado.

it pulls you up when its black outside and puts you down when the sun goes up

the night feeds me

it feeds me with words and fears

it feeds me with anxieties and endless thoughts

it feeds me with everything I am and everything I am not.

the night molds me into a shape I don't recognize anymore.

and it sometimes molds me into a shape I've become comfortable with.

a shape I've learned to be comfortable with because it really isn't

Everything hits harder at night.

it hits harder because while the world is asleep I am awake.

while the minds are resting mine is imploding.

it hits because while there is no sound at night I can still hear voices.

Maybe that is why people sleep through the night.

maybe they don't want to feel the strongest wave

or the tide

or the earthquake

or the tornado

but sometimes you have no choice.

-M

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After I wrote this I hesitated about posting it because after I read it a few times I think it sounds so sad and depressing. Also I really didn't have the proper photographs to post it with. I promise things are not this bad, I think, but thats what came out as I sat down and write.

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