That Kind of Beautiful .

Something I wrote like 2 months ago

LISTEN

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Today I woke up from a terrible nightmare.

It involved childhood friends and childhood places.

and a terrible plane crash.

Today I woke up and forgot I am 22.

I spent all day thinking and feeling like 17.

My mind does that sometimes when I'm not feeling good.

but thats the thing, I feel good.

or at least I felt good.

Today is Sunday and since Friday night I was left with this weird feeling.

a feeling that reminds me of high school.

of childhood.

of youth.

Of things that are suppose to happen but haven't happened yet.

On friday night I listened to a song I never heard before.

and I felt the whole world stopped.

Not because i liked it so much, or because I liked the lyrics.

No.

Just because I felt it was beautiful .

It felt that kind of beautiful that hurts.

That kind of beautiful that brings tears to your eyes.

That kind of beautiful that brings flashbacks to your memory and makes you want to live there .

That kind of beautiful that screams "Nostalgia" and sews that word and feeling to your heart.

That kind of beautiful that tells you that you are sad but that you can be happy.

That kind of beautiful that makes you feel like 17 but tells you how old you really are.

Thats why I liked it.

Because it was sour.

and sweet.

And I am sour.

and maybe not so sweet.

But I feel.

and I dream.

and I have my bad days.

and my good days.

and i have to come to terms with myself.

I can no longer wake up feeling like 17.

I am no longer there.

that is no longer my place.

and that time is long gone.

So maybe growing up is supposed to be like that song.

Sour.

and sweet.

and beautiful.

now I have to find what kind of beautiful it really is.

is it that kind of beautiful that makes me feel what I'm supposed to feel?

LISTEN

Monica.

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Go ahead to my tumblrs:

 This is for my photography work and writings just exactly like this blog:

 WE ARE GROWING YOUNG

and

This one is for everything i like on tumblr but also my writings and photography:

FIXATION WITH NOSTALGIA

I'll start writing random things there if you want to keep up, go follow!

Take me to the sea

Take me to the sea.

Take me somewhere the sun and the light can hit me.

This way I'll see through you

and maybe you'll see through me.

Take me to the sea.

Take me there so that my feet can meet the sand.

and the water.

and the waves.

Take me to the sea.

Take me there so that the waves can wash off my fear.

and my nerves.

and my insecurity.

Take me to the sea.

but swim with me.

swim deep.

Take me to the sea and keep me there until the tide wash off my wall.

Keep me there until you can't see it no more.

and I'll get to you.

and you'll get to me.

No fear.

No nerves

No insecurity.

No wall.

Just you, me and the sea.

Monica.

Self Portrait

SANITY

The other day i found an image with a very interesting thought:

"If you want to know what someone fears losing watch what they photograph" 

It got me thinking.

I am a photographer, or at least i call myself one.

My work is mainly self portraits.

Conceptual, Fine Art. Call it as you want.

I took a brief look at my work with this thought in mind to see if what i fear losing actually translates into my work. 

And then i stumbled onto these pictures from last November that I never published before because I was unsure.

And then it hit me.

I was looking at myself in this picture.

A picture of me with no face, no expression, all of me vanishing into thin air.

In one of them you can actually see my profile as a shadow on the wall, but the real me has no face.

 Sanity.

Something I sometimes brag about having, something I always worry I may not.

Sanity.

Something that I decided to grab by the hand. Something that i realized I'm afraid of losing.

It's not that I'm afraid of going insane, but of instability.

And of making myself believe all of it.

Sanity.

Probably the main topic of my work.
Maybe in a few years I'll ask myself the same question.

What are you afraid of losing?

And I'll take a look at my work.
And maybe it won't be me anymore on those pictures.

And I'll say I'm afraid of losing something else.

or SOMEBODY else.

But instead of fearing losing that, I fear I may not find it.

Monica.
Self Portraits.
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Hey, i just created a tumblr. I wanted to change platforms and move all of my posts from this blog to my new tumblr and i already did but i still don't know how it works or how to post, how to share images from my flickr, from this blog, etc.
Once i find out I'll be posting there.
Go check it out:
www.wearegrowingyoung.tumblr.com

I'm not a girl, I'm a storm with skin .

 It's true.

I'm not a girl.

I'm a storm with skin.

I'm much more and much less than that.

Light as a feather.

Heavy as the weather.

Are you in?

Monica.

Self Portrait

TIME WILL COME .

We all have something that we decide to give away. 

Dreams, time, dignity, ideas, anything.

We all got something.

It depends on us how much we want to hold on to that, some other times you want to give it away to others, but the time doesn't come .

Time will come.

I think i've become an expert on waiting. For anything. Time puts my patience to test as well as my mind.

Don't get me wrong, i don't just sit around and wait for things to happen, but for these things, they are out of my reach.

Out of your reach as well.

These things take time, takes patience and only time will tell.

My sanity is always being tested, but i've learned to manage it when it comes to these things.

I've said previously that for me, the more I want things the less they happen to me. Like when you lose your keys and look everywhere and can't find them and the moment you stop looking for them they are right there, at plain sight.

I think thats exactly how this works.

So, I try and not to get desperate because I know my time will come.

Our time to give something away will come.

Monica.

Self Portraits.

SILLY FEAR

"I have this very silly fear, that one day i'll be old without ever having really been young"


Imagine having this thought every second and every hour of your life.
You know you are supposed to enjoy life, every minute of it and not worrying about the end of things yet the only thing you do is that, thinking about how life is going to turn out for you instead of enjoying the ride.

I'm sure one day i'll be old, i have no idea how i'm going to be or where. There's a part of my brain that doesn't let me see beyond my years, i can't see myself as a grown person or as an old lady. I visualize everything, and plan everything ahead of time, i'm a creator and an architect of things and days that haven't happened and yet i can't seem to be able to do one of the most simple things humans do: visualize yourself in years, i jus't cant.
Maybe is because since i have memory my thoughts has always been the same and maybe they will continue like that when i'm 50 .
I don't really mind that. As long as i do things.
I want and need to do things.


I would hate to depend on chemicals to get things done, i would just want to wake up one day wanting to do things and actually do them.
I desire that.


Self portraits taken yesterday or today from 1 am to 6 am.

All taken by me .

I Live With It .

This is the beginning of a new year, and the beginning of my 21 years of life. I still feel i'm seventeen .

 This year started with big changes, moving out from home for the second time to only move back in again a month later. 

I made the right decision.

In these past 3 years i've learned that no matter how hard you try or how bad you want something you can't get it if you are not alright. if your mind and soul are not on the right place it doesn't matter what you do, you will fail.

I failed.

I failed, more than once. Maybe I failed even 3 times.

But i don't think i call them failures anymore, it was just me trying to find my place in life.

"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing i know"

Sadly, i agree with this quote by Hemingway.

The more you know, the more you see and understand things you get deeper into a dark hole.

This "life intelligence" makes you over think stuff, makes you wonder things nobody else would think or wonder about and it makes you a perfectionist, and by this you often get disappointed.

Disappointed by everything.

Thats why they say ignorance is bliss.

But honestly, to hell with that.

I couldn't live my life based in ignorance, not even if i wanted to or not even if i tried. 

I rather be who i am, with mental issues and all.

At the end of things or at the start of things, you'll realize that this reality and these problems are not something you will be able to get rid of.

You'll just learn to live with it.

That's what i do.

I live with it.

I live with all of it.

And if after all of that, you are actually a bit happy, then you achieved the greatest intelligence.

And maybe, MAYBE, we can prove Hemingway was wrong.

..at least for a while.

Monica.

Self Portraits

All taken by me