I'm not a girl, I'm a storm with skin .

 It's true.

I'm not a girl.

I'm a storm with skin.

I'm much more and much less than that.

Light as a feather.

Heavy as the weather.

Are you in?

Monica.

Self Portrait

TIME WILL COME .

We all have something that we decide to give away. 

Dreams, time, dignity, ideas, anything.

We all got something.

It depends on us how much we want to hold on to that, some other times you want to give it away to others, but the time doesn't come .

Time will come.

I think i've become an expert on waiting. For anything. Time puts my patience to test as well as my mind.

Don't get me wrong, i don't just sit around and wait for things to happen, but for these things, they are out of my reach.

Out of your reach as well.

These things take time, takes patience and only time will tell.

My sanity is always being tested, but i've learned to manage it when it comes to these things.

I've said previously that for me, the more I want things the less they happen to me. Like when you lose your keys and look everywhere and can't find them and the moment you stop looking for them they are right there, at plain sight.

I think thats exactly how this works.

So, I try and not to get desperate because I know my time will come.

Our time to give something away will come.

Monica.

Self Portraits.

SILLY FEAR

"I have this very silly fear, that one day i'll be old without ever having really been young"


Imagine having this thought every second and every hour of your life.
You know you are supposed to enjoy life, every minute of it and not worrying about the end of things yet the only thing you do is that, thinking about how life is going to turn out for you instead of enjoying the ride.

I'm sure one day i'll be old, i have no idea how i'm going to be or where. There's a part of my brain that doesn't let me see beyond my years, i can't see myself as a grown person or as an old lady. I visualize everything, and plan everything ahead of time, i'm a creator and an architect of things and days that haven't happened and yet i can't seem to be able to do one of the most simple things humans do: visualize yourself in years, i jus't cant.
Maybe is because since i have memory my thoughts has always been the same and maybe they will continue like that when i'm 50 .
I don't really mind that. As long as i do things.
I want and need to do things.


I would hate to depend on chemicals to get things done, i would just want to wake up one day wanting to do things and actually do them.
I desire that.


Self portraits taken yesterday or today from 1 am to 6 am.

All taken by me .

I Live With It .

This is the beginning of a new year, and the beginning of my 21 years of life. I still feel i'm seventeen .

 This year started with big changes, moving out from home for the second time to only move back in again a month later. 

I made the right decision.

In these past 3 years i've learned that no matter how hard you try or how bad you want something you can't get it if you are not alright. if your mind and soul are not on the right place it doesn't matter what you do, you will fail.

I failed.

I failed, more than once. Maybe I failed even 3 times.

But i don't think i call them failures anymore, it was just me trying to find my place in life.

"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing i know"

Sadly, i agree with this quote by Hemingway.

The more you know, the more you see and understand things you get deeper into a dark hole.

This "life intelligence" makes you over think stuff, makes you wonder things nobody else would think or wonder about and it makes you a perfectionist, and by this you often get disappointed.

Disappointed by everything.

Thats why they say ignorance is bliss.

But honestly, to hell with that.

I couldn't live my life based in ignorance, not even if i wanted to or not even if i tried. 

I rather be who i am, with mental issues and all.

At the end of things or at the start of things, you'll realize that this reality and these problems are not something you will be able to get rid of.

You'll just learn to live with it.

That's what i do.

I live with it.

I live with all of it.

And if after all of that, you are actually a bit happy, then you achieved the greatest intelligence.

And maybe, MAYBE, we can prove Hemingway was wrong.

..at least for a while.

Monica.

Self Portraits

All taken by me

Soul mates, words for you.

Recently someone said to me that because of how i talk or what i say its seems like i am 50 years old. And well, i haven't lived that long but i've lived for some short 20 years in which i have discover what a soulmate truly is.

I'm really trying my best to write this and not make it sound as cliche as it already sounds but everything i write is completely true. Everyone have their own soulmate, that person who is with you even if they are not there. Time and space doesn't really matter when it comes to soulmates.

The misconception of what a soulmate really is is always there. They say your soulmate is that person who is far from you but eventually you'll be together, that destiny will make it happen. That destiny also wants the two of you to be lovers.

WRONG.

Absolutely everyone can be your soulmate. From father to mother, form brother to sister, from friend to best friend and even a stranger.

I admit i hate the misconception of a soulmate, i hate that soulmate is always mistaken for lover.

I am not in love and i have a soulmate.

Right now i don't care if that person knows or don't knows, or if that person cares. The only thing i know is that that person is my soulmate. A strange connection and a strange bond was made a long time ago and when sometimes it seems that that connection is broken, i know it will never be.

For you:

Maybe i'm giving you a lot more attention than what you actually deserve, but i don't care. You are already a soulmate, for me at least. I am as honest as i can possible be in this life and i will always be. So when i said i was your friend all that time ago, i meant it. We keep making promises we know life won't let us keep. I am not in love with you, i don't want you for me. 

I want you WITH me.

i want my friend with me.

i want you with me just like in the past, just like what we were and just like i know we can be again.

When i say that time and space doesn't really matter when it comes to soul mates, believe me its true. Because after all i consider you that, my soulmate.

Maybe we'll need 1 year or 2 or maybe 10 years, it doesn't really matter as long as we realize what we really are.

Monica.

Self portraits

Life & Death

Last week i was finally able to release some photos of a shoot i did more than 3 months ago.

I really liked the pictures, and the team ( model, stylist) were great and i really want to work with them again. I already posted these photos into my facebook page and i just had time right now to do the blog post.

I took these photographs for a local magazine and they published them for the october issue, thats why i had to wait so long! but they are finally here.

I don't wan't to ramble too much about things right now, i'll leave all the ramble for other blog posts.

Hope you like the pictures.

I'm very proud of these pictures.

the lovely team that worked with me was:

Model: Cristina Diaz

Make up: Tatiana Zazueta

Clothes and Styling: Pau Barroso

Photography and Post Production: Monica Cazares S.

They went with this picture for the magazine cover:

Monica.

Age of Worry .

Film photographs ( old minolta)

I've always liked to write. I've always liked to keep a diary. To be honest i've never been good to be consistent and write often, but i do like it and i do keep a diary. It's more like a notebook full of writings. I't started as a diary years ago, pages filled with my everyday activities but now it has become into pages full of thoughts, feelings and philosophies.

They are pages full of my mind.

I would like to share one of the last things i wrote, i'll try and translate it from spanish to english the best i can. I think that notebook is the only place i write in spanish.

Friday, August 17 2012.

Quiet friday in which i woke up late and time has passed with rain and good weather as company. I think my fridays are going to be a little bit more like this for at least 5 months, quiet fridays. I would like if the rain could stay as well.

Crisis and anxiety gets worse and intense as i start something new, i don't know if these life crisis one day will be over or if its going to be something that is going to happen year after year, thought after thought. I just know that in my case every time it gets worse and i'm afraid i wont be able to get out of this hole that anxiety builds on me.

Another thing that i know is that i don't want to wake up one day and not remember how good times were and just have knowledge of my current times, knowledge of nostalgia and mutilation for the soul.

I start thinking and i say that if fear hasn't killed me yet then nothing will, but then i realize there is more to that than fear. Fear is not the only thing that exists on me. There is anxiety and confusion and i think that i will be able to get out of my hole but some other times i think that while i'm running away from those things one day they will finally catch me. 

That is what i don't know.

I know what i want to do when these three years are over, but then these years will eventually end and i will find myself just like i find myself now. Without knowing what to do or without knowing if these thoughts and feelings will eventually kill me without me even knowing.

The day that i'll be able to write and say that i'm glad to show my face to the morning that is the day i'll know everything was worth it and that everything will be alright.

I'm and addict.

And addict to the worst addiction. Addict to the worst destruction: Self destruction and to the destruction of one of the only things that can save us: our soul.

Addiction to thoughts, to thinking.

Never ending thinking.

To turn life into a thought that just goes round and round, a thought that destroys everything but nobody sees, nobody knows where it is, just you, just me.

I need to give my mind and my body a way to express all of these things, all of these thoughts and feelings. If i don't, they will all come out in a big explosion, coming out of my eyes and pores.

Monica.

-------------------------------------

i think this blog post is one of the most personal. i'm sharing what i wrote on a notebook nobody ever sees or reads but me.

But thats what i feel and think, and i just felt i needed to get it out.

 early mornings and a good book.

 boring afternoons

 sunlight

 4:00 am

On other news, i can't wait to show you some fashion photography work i have right now.

Monica.

"I want to stay as close to the edge as i can without going over. Out on  the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center"

-Kurt Vonnegut