Age of Worry .

Film photographs ( old minolta)

I've always liked to write. I've always liked to keep a diary. To be honest i've never been good to be consistent and write often, but i do like it and i do keep a diary. It's more like a notebook full of writings. I't started as a diary years ago, pages filled with my everyday activities but now it has become into pages full of thoughts, feelings and philosophies.

They are pages full of my mind.

I would like to share one of the last things i wrote, i'll try and translate it from spanish to english the best i can. I think that notebook is the only place i write in spanish.

Friday, August 17 2012.

Quiet friday in which i woke up late and time has passed with rain and good weather as company. I think my fridays are going to be a little bit more like this for at least 5 months, quiet fridays. I would like if the rain could stay as well.

Crisis and anxiety gets worse and intense as i start something new, i don't know if these life crisis one day will be over or if its going to be something that is going to happen year after year, thought after thought. I just know that in my case every time it gets worse and i'm afraid i wont be able to get out of this hole that anxiety builds on me.

Another thing that i know is that i don't want to wake up one day and not remember how good times were and just have knowledge of my current times, knowledge of nostalgia and mutilation for the soul.

I start thinking and i say that if fear hasn't killed me yet then nothing will, but then i realize there is more to that than fear. Fear is not the only thing that exists on me. There is anxiety and confusion and i think that i will be able to get out of my hole but some other times i think that while i'm running away from those things one day they will finally catch me. 

That is what i don't know.

I know what i want to do when these three years are over, but then these years will eventually end and i will find myself just like i find myself now. Without knowing what to do or without knowing if these thoughts and feelings will eventually kill me without me even knowing.

The day that i'll be able to write and say that i'm glad to show my face to the morning that is the day i'll know everything was worth it and that everything will be alright.

I'm and addict.

And addict to the worst addiction. Addict to the worst destruction: Self destruction and to the destruction of one of the only things that can save us: our soul.

Addiction to thoughts, to thinking.

Never ending thinking.

To turn life into a thought that just goes round and round, a thought that destroys everything but nobody sees, nobody knows where it is, just you, just me.

I need to give my mind and my body a way to express all of these things, all of these thoughts and feelings. If i don't, they will all come out in a big explosion, coming out of my eyes and pores.

Monica.

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i think this blog post is one of the most personal. i'm sharing what i wrote on a notebook nobody ever sees or reads but me.

But thats what i feel and think, and i just felt i needed to get it out.

 early mornings and a good book.

 boring afternoons

 sunlight

 4:00 am

On other news, i can't wait to show you some fashion photography work i have right now.

Monica.

"I want to stay as close to the edge as i can without going over. Out on  the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center"

-Kurt Vonnegut

Different .

Finally a blog post with some new pictures. yay!

I did a small test shoot two days ago to shoot in RAW and do something different with my processing. I have to be honest, it is the BEST thing! my whole world just opened because it is way more easier to retouch and add color to my photographs than shooting with jpeg. I spent the whole night retouching these pictures and i never realized it was 7 am because i was so entertained and excited about my "discovery".

These pictures are a bit different than what i am used to do, i tend to shoot on really natural places, in the woods or places like that but this time i went a different way.

I hope you like them, i really can't wait to shoot lots and lots of pictures.

i  am pleased with the results, now i can say that photoshop is growing on me .

Now, i have a sneak peek of another shoot i did that i can't show the pictures yet but soon i'll share 

them :)

My Mind .

My mind plays games with me sometimes, or most of the time .

Sometimes i feel that i've been chosen out of thousands of people to just be a very complicated person or live a very "complicated" life . I have everything i need and i'm very grateful but it's not about that. I also have this other thing, my mind. And it can work either ways: as a blessing and as a curse.

A blessing cause it makes me have imagination, be inspired and dream, but its a curse too because those same things take me really far from reality.

I over think every thought that goes into my head and mind and i know that is never NEVER good.

I've been told that because of that i'm never going to be able to be at peace with myself, that i'm never going to be able to relax and that i'm going to complicate life for myself when it should be really easy.

I have my times of happiness but all of the sudden, my mind comes in.

I'm not saying i'm not happy, i'm saying that it's different, i'm different.

I can remember every thought thats been through my mind since i was little, i remember what i used to say, what i felt and who i was. I realize i'm still that 11 year old girl with the same dreams and the same mind. I need to keep myself busy and my mind busy so i won't start thinking all this crazy things that keep me awake at night.

I don't sleep, i can spend the entire night just thinking and do that every day, sometimes its good but some other times i get tired. Mentally. 

I have my good days and even though i do complicate things and that even though i may grow up being the same just like that 11 years old girl i once was and still am i am me, with my heart, soul and complicated mind i am me and i would never give up that.

All off these makes me who i am and it gives me passion for the things i like and i think you can see that in my photography work.

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That photograph is at least two years old, but i haven't post it here on the blog and it's me representing how i feel when my mind play games.

On other news, some of my photographs were printed on a local magazine:

it's a small feature but i really liked it, people in my city got to see it so that makes me feel good.

And FINALLY!  i was able to take pictures with my new 5D Mark II and i had this idea in my mind for a long time and i was finally able to do it. I worked with an amazing team including the model and designer, they were all great. I have a very small sneak peek for you to see:

Just a cellphone pic of the camera screen. I'm about to retouch them so as soon as i have them i'll share them with you!

Monica 

FINALLY .

        Finally, summer its on its way for me. Friends are arriving to town and the weekends are about to be full of night outs and long talks. I only have one more week of being busy and then i'm totally free, free to waste my time, free to do photo shoots and be able to use my new baby:

After years of saving i was finally able to buy this baby. Actually, right now i'm just thinking ideas for photoshoots instead of doing my other responsibilities. I have so many good ideas and i cant wait to shoot them all and post the pictures in here. But for now, i leave you with with two self portraits, nothing special but i thought i would share.

Can't wait to do my first photo shoot with my new camera.

Destiny

what is destiny? 

 people know destiny as a lot of different things.  They see it as something that is meant to be, what life has planned for you  while other say that destiny is for weak people cause you are just waiting on life to bring what you should bring for yourself. 

I see it as the "why am i here", i see it as what i need to do in life to accomplish what i want, i see it as who i am, who i will be and who and what i want to be. I do believe things are  meant to be, i really do. Is something without explanation, something you just know because you feel it.

I've been feeling like that lately, like its meant to be and i strongly believe it is. I am impatiently waiting for summer. A summer full of relaxing evenings, friends, photos and inspiration. A summer when i will know if it is actually meant to be, just like i now it is.

 I've always known what it feels like to want something so bad for so long but now i can actually see and feel for real what it is to want something or someone for you. It has changed me and i know once i come closer i will change forever, because it's meant to be .

 I have faith on destiny, and on life.

Monica.

p.s.. my new camera is being delivered tomorrow so expect lots of pics, posts and writings.

beach side .

 
          This week, me and my family decided to  go to the beach to spend the day. We rarely do something like that or we rarely spend the day together because my dad is always working and my sister lives pretty far away from home, but we had vacations so it was perfect for some family time even if it was just for one day.
    I really wanted to go to the beach, get tanned and take pictures, i had ages without going to the beach and its only 45 minutes away from where i live!  i invited a friend, Natalia.  She's been modelling for me and she is one of a few people who understand my crazy ideas for photoshoots, so we relaxed on the beach and i took a few photographs and natalia took a few of me.
 Haven't planned a big shoot and i'm not sure when i'll be able to due to lack of time but i really want to plan something amazing and share it.
      Oh! also.. by the end of the month i may be having a new camera, the one i've always wanted : Canon 5D Mark II, finally. So, i'll have to plan a shoot!

self portraits from the day on the beach:

Monica.

MEXICO, tourist post.

It's been a while away from the blog. Between school and projects i have zero time and thats why i have zero photos to show you BUT, i was lucky enough to finally be able to take a trip and this time i visited Mexico City and lots of other pretty places so i'll share some of the pics with you.

This time it's not so much a work/photography post related but more of a  personal/kind of tourist pictures  and words i want to share .

  We went all the way from where i live to Mexico City on a bus, so the road was kinda long but i really didn't care because i had music as company and honestly i was excited for those more than 20 hours on the road full of music and time to think.

I never new that i was never going to listen to ANY music at all because i spent those 20 hours talking or sleeping.  The trip was an university trip so there were some classmates with me and other students from different semesters, people i never thought i was going to meet or have fun with but i did, i had a lot of fun.

  I slept for the majority of the road and when i finally woke i could not believe my eyes.  Literally it was the first thing i saw and i was already amazed.  Our first stop was at the Teotihuacan Pyramids, and this is what i saw from the bus at 6 am when we arrived:

6 am cellphone picture 

Aerostatic ballons flying everywhere with the pyramids as canvas, it looked so beautiful. We spent the entire day at the pyramids, it was my second time there but last time i didn't get any pictures so this was my chance to capture the beauty i had in front of me and i did.

sombreros

me at the top of the pyramid .

pyramid.

at the top of the pyramid of the sun, looking at the pyramid of the moon.

contemplating the view

the rest of the week was really hectic, by the end of the day we were really tired but we still managed to get some energies. We went out at night a few times to malls, stores and bars with amazing music.

This time i really felt the city, i felt it.  I've always liked the 2 extremes: big cities full of everything and living on the top of the mountain with nothing but the wild and this time i fell in love with the city all over again.   I walked downtown and felt the energy and i could feel the rush.  I walked in crowded streets, found alleys and streets full of old books at sale, found amazing history between the walls of amazing buildings.

 on top of  "torre latinoamericana" with a view to Mexico city

me walking at the pyramids 

at some museum

art nouveau

 post office

palacio de bellas artes at night  

our walks through the city 

       After our days in the city we continued or trip to some pretty little towns starting with morelia then, patzcuaro, janitzio, quiroga and tzin tzun tzan .

 Morelia

 Walking with the sunset

 Patzcuaro

 Musicians playing at a boat .

 tzin tzun tzan 

 complete freedom

 me

into the wild

This last picture is my favorite of the bunch, i don't know why. When i first got there this spot called my attention, it had such an amazing view to a lake and mountains. Everyone else just passed by this spot and didn't realize the beauty of it. i had to take a picture and i think this one represents what this trip meant for me.

When i came back home almost a year ago, i had no intention of staying here again. I wanted so bad to move to a different city, meet new people, another university and more. I have no idea how i ended up here, with this people and this school. The only thing i know is that it is growing on me and i never thought i would feel like this, like things are finally going to change. They will change, i'm sure and in the mean time i'll make the most of it.

Monica.